Recall the last conversation you had with a close friend. Who did most of the talking, you or the friend? Did the one who talked the most have more influence? We usually think that the person who talks most in the conversation has the most influence. This is true sometimes, but not nearly always!

Effective leaders learn that many times in conversation silence is the wisest action. They consider these words from Proverbs, The one who has knowledge uses words with restraint, and whoever has understanding is even-tempered. Even fools are thought wise if they keep silent, and discerning if they hold their tongues (Proverbs 17:27-28).

Servant leaders learn that the sound of silence in a conversation demonstrates leadership.

Silence in conversation shows self-control. “…uses words with restraint” (17:27). Everyone wants their voice to be heard. Even the most introverted personalities have something to say. In conversation it is natural and easy to keep talking. How many times do we “bite our tongue” to not say what is really in our minds? To be silent shows great self-control. It is difficult and takes restraint.

Leaders often believe that they have more to say than others and their vision encourages them to talk more than others. Leaders without self-control will soon dominate a conversation. The conversation becomes all about their thoughts and ideas with very little room for the other person(s).

But servant leaders learn that influence can actually increase when words decrease. Silence allows time for listening to the other. A simple question can open the door to the other person’s heart and bring help to them. Servant leaders show self-control as they are silent in a conversation.

Silence in conversation shows security. “…whoever has understanding is even-tempered” (17:27). The “even-tempered” person is able to speak when needed but equally able to keep quiet! This person is not trying to impress others with many words and they are not worried about what others think. They are willing to listen and value the other person because they already know themselves and their own calling. This ability shows great personal security.

A leader who talks too much may simply be an extroverted personality. But the leader may also be insecure and feel a need to impress everyone around them with their talking. They keep talking to show others that they are significant. Servant leaders can be silent with no agenda to prove and nothing to hide. Servant leaders demonstrate security as they are silent in a conversation.

Silence in conversation shows wisdom. “Even fools are thought wise if they keep silent” (17:28). Everyone knows that fools talk a lot, so silence is quickly associated with a wise person. If a fool could keep quiet, others would be fooled and think he is wise! This verse has produced the saying, “Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.”

Wisdom may be expressed in good words, but it may also be expressed in silence! Servant leaders learn that sometimes the wisest thing to say is nothing at all! The other person may not yet be ready for the great idea you have. They may not be ready to change. They may not yet be able to understand what you want to communicate. Or it may be that your own heart is not yet at the right place to speak out the words that are in your mind. Servant leaders show wisdom as they are silent in a conversation.

As servant leaders demonstrate self-control, personal security, and wisdom, they increase their influence with others. They discover that knowledge is more revealed in restraint than in volume of words. Silent leadership speaks loudly in conversation! Servant leaders move up by shutting up!

Until next time, yours on the journey,

Jon Byler

For further reflection and discussion:

• When is the last time I said something I later regretted? How might the outcome have been different if I had shown restraint and kept quiet?
• How does my personal security impact the way I talk? Am I able to be quiet with no need to impress others, or do I need to talk a lot to show them who I am? What impact does this have on my leadership?
• Is my wisdom most often expressed in words or in silence? How has this impacted my leadership and is there a way I need to change?
• Reflect on your schedule for today. In what conversations might God be inviting you to speak less? Try it, then reflect on how it felt and what impact it had on the relationship!

 In the next issue, we’ll look at the sound of silent leadership…in persuasion.

Copyright, Global Disciples 2020.

In the last issue we looked at the example of Jesus leading and serving from a position of intimacy with His Father. Now, let’s examine what it looks like to lead towards intimacy. All people are created to have an intimate relationship with God. This is evidenced by the deep longing within each of us to be loved, accepted and affirmed. God intends for this deep need to be met in Him alone and He pursues us for a relationship of intimacy which should give us a deep sense of security, worth and belonging. Jesus lived and led from this relationship. Sadly, many if not most, leaders never experience this level of intimacy with Jesus and spend their lives trying to find it. Their insecurities shape their leadership. They move and lead towards intimacy rather than living and leading from intimacy. Martha illustrates what happens with this kind of leader.

As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said. But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!” “Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her” (Luke 10:38-42).

Leading towards intimacy focuses on performance instead of relationship.

Martha was busy with “the preparations that had to be made.” She was doing the work and serving Jesus! But her focus was on what she was doing, not on Jesus. She found her significance in her performance, not in relationship with Jesus. How often I find myself doing things for Jesus when all He asks is that I come to be with Him! Service is good, but when we are seeking approval by what we do, we completely miss the grace of God. Servant leaders are guilty of leading towards intimacy when they measure their worth by their performance instead of finding security in their relationship with Jesus.

Leading towards intimacy focuses on the temporal instead of the eternal.

Martha was concerned about the physical preparations while Mary chose what could “not be taken away from her.” One was for time, the other was for eternity. Martha opened her home while Mary opened her heart. Both were filled, but only one produced intimacy. The demands of the things which need to be done today can quickly blind us to the things that last. Servant leaders are guilty of leading towards intimacy when they find their significance in what they are doing here and now instead of how their acts draw them into an increasingly intimate and eternal relationship with Jesus.

Leading towards intimacy focuses on the many instead of the one.

Martha was busy doing many things. Her ‘to do’ list was extensive and she was checking things off one by one. She hoped to impress Jesus with her many accomplishments. The result, as it is for many leaders, was distraction and worry. Jesus rebukes her and says that Mary has chosen the one thing which is best, a relationship with Him. Intimacy with Jesus is not a task on our list of things to be done; it is the number one thing we should pursue. Servant leaders are guilty of leading towards intimacy when they seek the praise of many instead of seeking only the praise of the One who matters.

For further reflection and discussion:

• Where do I find my significance, in my accomplishments or my relationship with Jesus? How does this express itself in my leadership?
• Am I primarily motivated by guilt or by grace? How is this evidenced in my life?
• Am I more like Martha or Mary? In what ways have I demonstrated this in the last week? What is God inviting me to change in my life and leadership?

Servant leaders live in an intimate relationship with Jesus which profoundly shapes all aspects of their leadership. Their leadership flows from this relationship. Those who don’t walk in intimacy unconsciously seek it through their leadership, leading towards intimacy. In the next three issues, we’ll explore this concept in more detail. Jesus is the best example of what it means to lead from intimacy.

Jesus knew that the Father had put all things under his power, and that he had come from God and was returning to God; so he got up from the meal, took off his outer clothing, and wrapped a towel around his waist (John 13:3-4).

The first part of this verse makes it clear that Jesus knew His power, His past and His potential. Jesus led from a position of personal security and confidence in His own relationship with His Father. Because of this intimate relationship with God, Jesus did not need His position of leadership to prove anything to anyone, nor did He use His leadership to meet His own emotional needs. He knew His credentials but was not seeking to impress others with them. This is a picture of leading from intimacy and allowed Jesus to do three difficult things.

Leading from intimacy allows release of rights.

Jesus got up from the meal. It is not clear whether this was in the middle or beginning of the meal but Jesus interrupted the normal flow of eating to serve. We all prefer to eat instead of work but Jesus gave up His ‘right’ to a full meal because the disciples needed a leadership lesson! It’s difficult to release what we feel are our ‘rights.’ Our ‘rights’ may include physical comfort, privacy, peace and quiet, respect, the right to be heard and understood, and many more. Servant leaders who lead from intimacy are able to surrender these ‘rights’ with no loss of personal security.

Leading from intimacy allows relinquishing privileges.

Jesus also took off his outer clothing. I don’t believe that He did this because it was impossible to wash feet with the clothing on, but He wanted to symbolize the removal of anything that showed His privileges as the leader of the group. He was the leader, but didn’t have a need to show it, because He led from a position of intimacy. Our privileges may be in how we dress, but may also be evident in our titles, the special office space or parking position, the degrees we display on our business card or in other ways. Servant leaders who lead from a position of intimacy can, when needed, let go of these privileges and still lead.

Leading from intimacy allows responsible acts of service.

Jesus wrapped a towel around His waist and proceeded to wash the feet of His disciples. This act is often used as a model of servant leadership and rightly so. But we often try to imitate His action without acknowledging His starting point–intimacy with His Father. For Jesus, this act of service was not to gain favor or respect. It was not to prove how good He was. It flowed out of His intimate relationship with the Father. He was leading and serving from a position of intimacy, not seeking intimacy through service. We can easily view service as a means to greatness, as an opportunity to advance in leadership or a way to show others how great we are. Don’t try to serve unless it flows out of an intimate relationship with Jesus! Servant leaders who lead from an intimate relationship with Jesus have no problem serving those they lead in radical ways.

For further reflection and discussion:

• If today I lost my title, position and influence, how would I view myself? Would my value decrease, increase or stay the same? What does my response indicate about my source of security?
• In what practical ways have I served those I led in the past week? What was my motive for serving them? (Think carefully about this as our motives are often hidden deep within our hearts.)
• Do I sometimes serve others to meet my own need for significance? If so, what is God inviting me to change?
• Is my leadership characterized most by leading towards or from intimacy? In what ways has this been displayed in my leadership this week?

Leadership Nuggets from Ephesians, 1

Servant leaders influence greatly because they have a strong sense of their identity in Christ. Paul lays the foundation for our identity in Ephesians 1:1-14 and provides several key factors that shape our identity. The principles he lists apply to all believers, but three have special significance for servant leaders.

Servant leaders are blessed.

“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ.” (Eph. 1:3) Paul makes it clear that we have already received “every spiritual blessing in Christ” and servant leaders accept this truth as a part of their identity. This provides a positive attitude towards life. Instead of complaining about what they don’t have, servant leaders set an example for others as they focus on the many ways God has blessed them. They recognize that their influence is a blessing from God and they treat it as a gift.

Reflect: Do I see myself as a blessed leader?

Servant leaders are chosen.

“For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight.” (Eph. 1:4) Servant leaders accept the truth that God has chosen them as both a personal call to a relationship with God and a sense of call to the place of influence in which God has placed them. This call is not based on their performance but on the grace of God and provides a sense of purpose and meaning for their leadership. Leaders who know they are called have nothing to prove to others. This confidence should not produce pride but should instead allow the leader to call forth the best in others and to affirm the unique potential of all who follow them.

Reflect: Do I recognize God’s call on my life?

Servant leaders are forgiven.

“In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God's grace that he lavished on us with all wisdom and understanding.” (Eph. 1:7-8) Forgiveness frees the servant leader from the burden of sin and allows them to extend the same grace to others. This does not mean overlooking poor performance or sin issues that need to be addressed but it means that they can lead others from a position of grace.

Reflect: Am I able to freely extend forgiveness to those I lead?

These three factors provide servant leaders with a deep sense of security that is reflected in the way they interact with other leaders as well as followers. Their identity is secure in Christ and they know they are blessed. They don’t need to struggle to appear significant; they find their significance in the fact that Christ chose them as a special person. They do not lead with a sense of guilt and unworthiness; they have experienced the freedom of forgiveness. Their leadership reflects the fact that their identity is secure in Christ as they bless others, call forth the best in others, and extend forgiveness to those who need it. Servant leaders who know their identity in Christ are powerfully influential. Reflect on Paul’s statements and settle any doubts about who you are in Christ.

In the next several issues, we’ll reflect on more leadership lessons from Ephesians.

For further reflection and discussion:

• Do I tend to focus on the negative or positive things in life? What impact does this have on my leadership?
• In what way do I possess a sense of call to my place of influence? Am I convinced that God has given me a gift of influence where I am?
• How easily can I call others to live out their own potential?
• Are there ways in the past week in which I have extended forgiveness to someone under my leadership?

The need for affirmation and encouragement is so vital to our existence that physician George Adams called encouragement “oxygen to the soul.” The leaders of a Jewish synagogue were so eager for encouragement that they told Barnabas and Paul, “Brothers, if you have a message of encouragement for the people, please speak.” (Acts 13:15) Every leader does well to reflect on the power of encouragement to shape lives.

Encouragement meets a basic human need.

We all have a need to be recognized and affirmed, for someone to believe in us and to tell us we are significant. When someone encourages us it meets this basic need and provides hope for the future. In my file cabinet I have a special folder titled “Encouragement.” In the folder I put every letter or card I receive that contains encouraging words. Encouragement is too good to throw away.

Encouragement empowers others.

The power of encouragement is that it ‘puts courage in’ others. When a leader believes in someone and communicates words of encouragement to a follower, it creates a powerful force to bring out the best in that person. A leader who affirms the ability of the follower speaks life to them and calls forth their best.

Encouragement increases influence.

Since everyone needs encouragement and is strengthened by it, we gravitate towards those in our lives who provide encouragement. They exert an irresistible influence on us and we willingly follow them. Conversely, we stay away from those who discourage us. Think about how this applies to you as a leader. The more you encourage, the more people will want to be with you and to follow your lead. Encouragement increases your level of influence.

All effective leaders master the art of encouragement but servant leaders do it better and for different reasons. Servant leaders are master encouragers because they are free to focus on others and to meet their needs including the basic human need for encouragement. Servant leaders seek to help others develop their fullest potential and therefore see the best in others and call this forth from their lives. Servant leaders have a strong sense of personal security in their identity with Christ that allows them to freely affirm the good they see in others without diminishing themselves in the process. Servant leaders want to increase their ability to influence, not for personal gain, but so that others in the organization will develop their full potential in Christ. They leverage their influence to advance the cause of God’s kingdom. They serve with encouragement.

Look around you today for someone who can use a word of encouragement. Take the time to write a short note of affirmation, send an email or make a phone call. Perhaps it is appropriate to give public recognition or thanks. Don’t forget those closest to you, your family! Bring life to someone today with an encouraging word.

For further reflection and discussion:

• How well am I doing in the art of encouragement?
• What is it that keeps me from encouraging others more? (Is it personal insecurity, neglect, failure to see potential in others, or something else?)
• What else can I do today to encourage someone around me?
• What will it take for encouragement to become a good habit in my life?

One of the most painful acts of parenting and leadership is releasing. We invest so much time and energy into our children and those we lead that it is difficult to let them go. Although we knew from the day of our first child’s birth that one day he would leave home, it was not easy when it was time to let him go.

In my pastoral leadership one of the hardest tests for me was to willingly release leaders in whom I had invested much. I wanted them to stay and work with me and help accomplish the vision God had given. But God often called them on to other places and I had to learn to release them. I recall a dark time when I wrestled with what I saw happening. It seemed unfair and a waste of my time to train people and then see them leave. God slowly brought me to a point of accepting that I was called to raise leaders and release them.

Dysfunctional parents don’t release their children. They want to hold on to their children and to live out their dreams through them. Secure parents are able to identify the unique ‘bent’ of their children and not only release them but encourage them to develop their own areas of giftedness and calling. Likewise, dysfunctional leaders seek to hold on to everyone around them. They are focused on building their own kingdom and people are simply tools to be used for the process of building. Delegation is simply a way to get the job done, not a way to develop the potential of others.

Servant leaders learn that part of their calling is to equip others to fulfill their calling and then release them to fly. Servant leaders are able to release others because they are not focused on their own agenda and genuinely want the best for others. The focus is on identifying and developing their strengths and potential. This doesn’t mean that everyone will leave! Certainly, God will provide people around us to help us accomplish the vision He has given us. But when His call on someone’s life is to move out, I serve them by releasing them with blessing. Instead of pain, it is a privilege to see others blossom and move out to be the leaders God has called them to be.

Keep leading…and keep releasing!

Yours on the journey,

Jon

For further reflection and discussion:

• What is the result when leaders ‘hold on’ to the people they lead?
• Why is it difficult to release others?
• What biblical examples can you identify of leaders who released others? What was the result?
• Who is God calling you to release today?