David’s life is in so many ways, an example of a great leader. He was successful in national building and expansion. He united the kingdom and established Jerusalem as capital city and a focal point of worship and commerce for the nation. But the final chapters of his life paint a sad picture of the difficulty of leading at home, an area of vulnerability for many leaders. In 2 Samuel 13-20 we read the account of David’ son Amnon raping Tamar, then the murder of Amnon by another son, Absalom. For several years David grieves the loss of Amnon and is estranged from Absalom. When Absalom returns to Jerusalem, he leads an uprising against David, secretly recruiting some of his top officials and openly sleeping with David’s concubines as David flees the capital in disgrace. Absalom’s rebellion nearly cost David the kingdom and did cost him the painful death of a third son. Later, another son, Adonijah, also attempts to seize power. In public David seems to excel but at home his leadership is disastrous. All servant leaders should ponder David’s life and reflect on several leadership principles.

Leading at home is more difficult than public leadership.

David was a successful warrior and reproduced that in his public leadership. He faced the giant and won. He built a team around him at the palace. But David’s life reveals that while it is relatively easy to look good at the office or in front of people; it is much more difficult to lead well at home. Leading at home is more emotionally demanding than public leadership. At home, people know us more intimately. We love them more deeply and their successes and failures bring much greater joy or pain to our souls. At home, there is much less applause that strokes our ego. There are fewer short term wins and the process of change seems to be infinitely slow. So David, like many leaders, took the easier path and focused on being the leader of the nation instead of the head of his family. He built his team well in the office. His 30 mighty men and officials knew their tasks and were doing their job. At home, his sons had nothing to do! They had servants and plenty of time on their hands while their father was winning wars instead of training them to be warriors.

Leading at home is more descriptive of who we are than public leadership.

Because leading at home is more difficult than in public, it more fully represents who we really are. David was certainly a man after God’s own heart and a great warrior. But he was also a broken and flawed leader, as we all are. His personal weaknesses were more reflected in his sons than his leadership team. His own moral failure in sexual temptation led to disastrous consequences in his son’s lives. Leading at home pushes us further as leaders because the applause is diminished and the timetable for results is longer. It is easy to forget about setting goals at home and lose sight of the mission. The best representation of our leadership is not on our professional resume; rather, in the lives of our children.

Leading at home more is more determinative of our legacy than public leadership.

The city David built would be captured; the nation he shaped would split into two; but the sons he raised would carry his legacy to the birth of Christ. We often forget that most of our public achievements will be forgotten soon after we are gone, but the family we lead will continue. Leaving a legacy at home requires focus, attention, and strong leadership.

In the matter of leadership at home, I write as much to myself as you, sobered anew with the ease at which family can become my second priority. Let’s learn together from David and run home to lead.

For further reflection and discussion:

• Read the 7 chapters (2 Samuel 13-20) slowly and thoughtfully. What do you learn from David’s life about his leadership at home? What is God speaking to you personally about your own family?
• When you think about your leadership in your profession/vocation, do you think strategically and set goals? Do you do the same at home? Why or why not?
• Are there sins in your heart or character that will be passed on to your children? What needs to change?
• What is the relationship between parental responsibility to lead well and the choices made by children?

Paul has already listed 11 challenging items for Timothy to consider when looking at the quality of leaders. He is near to the end of his list and shifts his attention to something obviously close to his heart. “He must manage his own family well and see that his children obey him with proper respect. (If anyone does not know how to manage his own family, how can he take care of God's church?)” (1 Timothy 3:4-5). Paul feels so strongly about the leader’s family life that he doesn’t just list the quality but provides an explanation of why it is so critical. Servant leaders recognize that their leadership in the public sphere is connected to their leadership at home.

The leader’s family is preparation for other leadership.

Paul recognizes that servant leadership is homegrown. It happens first in the close, daily relationships of family life. Both men and women learn to lead by first influencing those who are closest to them. Leading in the family prepares a leader to lead others. We learn what sacrificial and unconditional love is as we share life together in our homes. Parenting children allows us to develop the Father heart of God towards others. At home we are all most likely to allow sinful expressions of selfishness and pride to emerge. Servant leaders allow God to use these experiences to prepare them to lead others.

The leader’s family is a predictor of other leadership.

Paul implies that the way a leader functions at home is the best indicator of how he or she will function in other leadership roles. His simple statement offers an alternative to expensive personality tests designed to determine if someone will succeed as a leader. Paul’s principle is that if a leader rules with an iron hand at home, it is likely that the same will be true at the office. If a leader learns to serve and deny self at home, it will come naturally in other leadership roles. If a leader puts career ahead of family, he will call others to likewise give their best to an organization instead of family. Servant leaders are first identified at home.

Family leadership is a prerequisite for other leadership.

Paul speaks to church leaders and notes that if a leader cannot manage his own family, he cannot care for people at church. Faithful leadership at home is a requirement for successful leadership at work, in the community, at church or in a business. Tragically, many of us pay more attention to developing our leadership at work than at home. We measure our leadership success by how quickly we move up organizational ladders. Paul calls us to reexamine our priorities. Servant leaders make their leadership at home a priority.

Paul’s standard may seem unrealistically high and too narrow for modern society. Paul’s strong words about our families do not imply that if a child rebels we are quickly disqualified for leadership. But his concern about our leadership at home should cause each of us to pause and take a closer look at what is happening in our leadership at home.

The Bible is filled with examples of leaders who succeeded and failed at home. David is perhaps the clearest example of a leader who seemed to succeed at every endeavor except at home. He passionately loved and worshipped God and lead with a great heart and excellent leadership skills (Ps. 78:72). But his poor leadership at home tarnished his otherwise great record. His own moral failures began with Bathsheba and he lost one child through that tragedy. He allowed the rape of his daughter to go unchecked and as a result reaped the rebellion and death of his son Absalom, and the near loss of the kingdom.

Take a moment to reflect on the way you lead at home by answering the questions below.

For further reflection and discussion:

• In what ways has your leadership at home shaped the way you lead others? What leadership lessons have been most significant for you to learn at home?
• How would my family describe my leadership? Would they use words like loving, compassionate and strong or words like harsh, judgmental, and self-serving?
• Think of a recent, difficult situation at home. How did you lead your family through this situation? Did you express servant leadership or selfish leadership in this situation?
• What have you done recently to strengthen your leadership at home? Are you reading books, attending seminars, or talking with a mentor to improve your leadership at home?