Do you consider yourself a follower of Jesus or a friend of Jesus? The difference is profoundly significant. The words Jesus gave His disciples invite us to an intimate friendship:

¹⁴You are my friends if you do what I command. ¹⁵ I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you. ¹⁶ You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you so that you might go and bear fruit—fruit that will last—and so that whatever you ask in my name the Father will give you. ¹⁷ This is my command: Love each other  (John 15:14-17).

Friendship implies a close intimate relationship. Jesus reveals to the disciples that He desires an intimate friendship with them, much deeper than they have imagined. And He graciously shows them the way to this intimacy.

Intimate leaders are friends as they obey the commands of Jesus.

Jesus says, “You are my friends if you do what I command.” Obedience is expected and required for the followers of Jesus. He gave many commands to be obeyed.  His commands in the context of this chapter focus on remaining or abiding in Him. Obedience to the commands to abide will produce intimacy and friendship. This is not a burdensome journey to win His friendship; it is a journey of deepening intimacy of relationship.  Intimacy without obedience is impossible; but obedience without intimacy happens to many leaders, myself included! 

Some leaders seek to win God’s favor through obedience alone without abiding. But serving leaders seek to walk so intimately with Jesus that they obey as friends on a journey. 

Intimate leaders are friends as they understand the desires of Jesus.

Jesus clarifies why simple obedience is not what He wants, “….a servant does not know his master’s business.” Jesus contrasts friendship and service and cautions all leaders that it is possible to perform actions of service for Him without intimacy with Him.  Servants are able to obey without really understanding the heart and desires of the master. They simply follow instructions. Jesus invites His disciples to move beyond mere obedience to a deeper understanding of His heart. He wants us to walk in obedience that flows from a deep friendship with Him.

Some leaders dutifully obey the commands of Jesus but remain far from His heart. They don’t cultivate the intimacy that is required to be a friend of Jesus. But serving leaders press in to find the heart of Jesus and as they understand His heart, live lives of joyful obedience. 

Intimate leaders are friends as they respond to the invitation of Jesus.   

Jesus makes it clear that this friendship is His choice, “You did not choose me, but I chose you….” We have the privilege of choosing our friends and Jesus has the same choice. Jesus chose us to be His friends! This must have been an astounding truth for the disciples who first heard these words. Jesus was inviting them into an intimate friendship with Himself. He was opening up His own life and heart to them and calling them to move beyond simple obedience to radical friendship. This was the culmination of all He had taught them about abiding in Him, to respond to His invitation to an intimate friendship.

Some leaders focus on their choice to follow Jesus and congratulate themselves for making the right choice. But serving leaders are amazed that Jesus chose them and joyfully choose to deepen their intimacy with Him. Then all their leadership flows from and is shaped by that response to the invitation of Jesus for friendship.

For further reflection and discussion:

As I reflect on my own leadership regarding how much I am a friend of Jesus, how would I rate myself on a scale of 1 to 10?      What blocks me from being a closer friend?

Is my obedience my attempt to win Jesus’ friendship, or does it flow out of my abiding in Him?  What is an example of that in my life in the past week?  

Do I see my relationship to Jesus more like a servant or a friend? How does this impact my leadership?

After reflecting on these questions, read the entire chapter, John 15. What additional insights do I find in this chapter about how my intimacy with Jesus shapes my leadership?  

Until next time, yours on the journey,

Jon Byler

In the next issue, we’ll begin a new series! If you would like this entire series on Intimacy in one document, click here to download.

We have already seen several factors that helped Timothy grow in his leadership capacity. He was hungry to learn, he paid the price of leadership, he learned the Word and how to think and reflect. Timothy left hindrances behind and learned self-control as he became a role model. In this issue we focus on another factor that helped make Timothy an effective leader—he established healthy friendships. Consider these verses:

² People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, ³ without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, ⁴ treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God—⁵ having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to do with such people (2 Timothy 3:2–5, NIV).

To Timothy my true son in the faith: Grace, mercy and peace from God the Father and Christ Jesus our Lord (1 Timothy 1:2).

Do your best to get here before winter. Eubulus greets you, and so do Pudens, Linus, Claudia and all the brothers and sisters (2 Timothy 4:21).

These verses indicate that Timothy succeeded in establishing relationships that were healthy and beneficial to him and to the others involved. Serving leaders seek to act in the same way to develop healthy relationships.

Timothy’s healthy friendships resulted from choosing.

Paul reminds Timothy that there are many people who would not be healthy friends. He cautions Timothy strongly, “Have nothing to do with such people.” Timothy learned to choose friends well. He understood that the choices he made in his relationships would either strengthen or undermine his leadership.

Many leaders don’t give careful thought to their choice of friends. They might choose friends based on perceived advantages or how the friendships can benefit them. Or they may simply allow relationships to develop without conscious thought. But serving leaders think carefully about those with whom they spend time. While they seek to love and serve everyone, they choose their friendships deliberately and thoughtfully.

Timothy’s healthy friendships required commitment.

 Paul didn’t have any biological children but called Timothy his “true son.” How did Timothy earn this endearing position with Paul? He had shown his loyalty and faithfulness to Paul for years, demonstrating his commitment to their relationship. As he paid the price of a healthy friendship with Paul, he learned how to have healthy relationships with others.

Some leaders want the benefits of healthy relationships but are not willing to invest the time, energy and commitment that is required. Serving leaders recognize that healthy friendships are costly but worth the investment. They focus on loving and serving well and see their commitment rewarded with healthy friendships.

Timothy’s healthy friendships released companionship.

When Paul was in prison and awaiting martyrdom, he summoned his faithful friend Timothy for a last farewell indicating the depth of their friendship. And he conveyed greetings from many others who loved Timothy deeply. After years of carefully selecting the right friendships and investing deeply in them, Timothy—and his friends—reaped the reward of genuine companionship, something every person longs to achieve.

Many leaders come to the end of their lives and tragically discover that they really don’t have any committed companions that will be with them. Serving leaders, like Timothy, choose their friends carefully, nurture those relationships diligently and have some of the richest relationships possible as a result.

For further reflection and discussion:

• How would I describe “healthy” and “unhealthy” friendship?
• As I reflect on my current relationships how satisfied am I at the health of these relationships? What, if anything, do I need to change?
• What one relationship can I focus on in the coming month to strengthen and how will I invest deliberately in this friendship?
• Reflect on those you lead. What can I do to encourage them to develop healthy friendships?        
• In addition to the verses we used in this issue, consider the following: 1 Timothy 4:6-7; 5:1-2, 21, 24-25; 6:20-21; 2 Timothy 1:2, 15-18; 2:16-18; and 4:9-12. What additional insights do you find from these verses about how Timothy cultivated healthy relationships and the results of his actions?

Until next time, yours on the journey,

Jon Byler

In the next issue, we’ll look at how Timothy related to different generations. In this series we’ve been looking at the life of Timothy. It’s a great time to read through the two books in the Bible with his name, written to him by Paul. As you read, reflect on what Timothy did to grow as a leader and how his actions apply to your own growth.

God created a lovely world that was flourishing, alive, and good in every regard. But then, for the first time, something in this world was described as “not good.”

The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him” (Genesis 2:18, NIV).

What was “not good” in the world? Man was created with intrinsic value since he was made in the image of God. Adam was good. But it was “not good” for him to be alone. He was created for relationship with others. We often see this principle as the foundation of marriage since God created a woman to meet this need. But it also points to something much deeper in God’s design, our need for relationships. God was so intent on making sure that we recognize this ingredient for a flourishing world that He allowed a glimpse of what was not good, a person alone! Serving leaders reflect on God’s plan for honoring relationships as a part of His flourishing world.

Honoring relationships accelerates flourishing by acknowledging the intent.

God’s intent was for relationships with others to be a defining characteristic of being human. The first man and first woman were brought into relationship with each other as well as into relationship with God. He designed us to live, work, and walk together with others. Even the most introverted person needs others! It’s not a surprise that solitary confinement is considered one of the most severe punishments or even torture. We are not created to be alone! God’s intent was for each of us to find meaning, value, and purpose in relationship to others. In our families of origin, He designed relationships in which we form identity, a sense of belonging, and value. As we relate to others, we are able to build capacity for deep, authentic relationships that bring joy and meaning to what we do.

 Honoring relationships accelerates flourishing by anticipating the impact.

Sin brought so much pain and brokenness to relationships that many have concluded that it may be better to be alone. And some cultures value independence over interdependence. But serving leaders recognize that honoring relationships is a part of God’s design. They see their business, church, family, and community as places that God intends for people to thrive with strong, healthy relationships. They envision a world in which strong teams work together in harmony to accomplish great things.

Honoring relationships accelerates flourishing by accepting the implications.

Serving leaders acknowledge that there are many leadership implications to honoring relationships. First, they seek to enter into and maintain strong healthy personal relationships. They seek out authentic friendships and resist the temptation to isolate themselves from others. Then, they seek to lead those they serve into healthy relationships. They build teams and lead them through the process of discovering how to balance honesty and kindness.  They look for the person isolated outside the circle and seek to pull them in. They encourage the quiet people to speak out and find their voice. Serving leaders acknowledge that accomplishment of the vision will only happen when relationships are honored. So, they encourage time not just to accomplish tasks but also to build relationships. Serving leaders look for results, but they don’t overlook relationships. They create environments in which people flourish together in strong, healthy relationships.

Serving leaders create a flourishing world around them by honoring relationships.

For further reflection and discussion:

How has the intent of honoring relationships been distorted in your context? Reflect specifically about the thinking in this area in your culture, your family, and in the organization where you lead. What impact has this thinking had on you as a leader? In what ways do you need to adjust your thinking to align with God’s intent?

Reflect on what the impact would be if everyone in your organization would fully grasp and live out what it means to honor relationships. What is the current level of health in relationships on your team? Write at least three reflections.

What action steps will you take as a leader to honor relationships in your home, organization, or community? Choose which of these areas you will focus on and then list 2 or 3 specific steps you will take and dates for when you will take the actions.

Until next time, yours on the journey,

Jon Byler In the next issue, we’ll examine another ingredient of a flourishing world: Growth is Expected

We have already recognized David’s skill as a shepherd, his heart as a faithful worshipper and his clarity of purpose in life. Yet, as an emerging leader David was alone. His family didn’t believe in him and only Samuel seemed to have a sense of what God was preparing to do with this young man. His triumph over Goliath brought some public recognition, but popularity is no substitute for friendship. David finally found a loyal friend who would walk with him through some of his most difficult leadership years.

After David had finished talking with Saul, Jonathan became one in spirit with David, and he loved him as himself. From that day Saul kept David with him and did not let him return to his father's house. And Jonathan made a covenant with David because he loved him as himself. Jonathan took off the robe he was wearing and gave it to David, along with his tunic, and even his sword, his bow and his belt (1 Samuel 18:1-4).

Jonathan’s special friendship with David was a deep and powerful friendship. It was so strong that when Jonathan died in battle David composed a lament, How the mighty have fallen in battle! Jonathan lies slain on your heights. I grieve for you, Jonathan my brother; you were very dear to me. Your love for me was wonderful, more wonderful than that of women (2 Samuel 1:25-26). This was a genuine friendship, much more than clicking ‘like’ on Facebook! All servant leaders can learn from David’s example how to choose friends that will help make a difficult journey possible.

Choose friends who share a common goal.

Jonathan and David became “one in spirit.” They were united by their common direction in life. There were many things that could have divided these two men. They were from different tribes. One came from the royal family, the other was a shepherd. There were surely some differences of opinion but something about David’s defeat of Goliath and his unwavering commitment to God’s purposes struck a deep chord in Jonathan’s heart and drew them together. They formed a relationship that was stronger than Jonathan’s blood relationship. Servant leaders carefully choose a few friends who are deeply committed to common goals. Their friendship reinforces these goals and brings out the best in both parties.

Choose friends who sacrifice self.

Jonathan “loved him [David] as himself.” He was the rightful heir to the throne of the land, yet he chose to sacrifice his own ambitions for the sake of his friendship with David. What a gift this friendship was to David! In many relationships, servant leaders are called to lead others by sacrificing self. So, they need friends around them who are willing to sacrifice self to bless the other. This provides strength for the servant leader to continue serving others selflessly.

Choose friends who honor their word.

Jonathan made a covenant with David, a binding agreement symbolized by his gift of his kingly robe and his own weapons. His actions were a powerful symbol that he would honor this friendship. So David was able to trust Jonathan even in life and death situations. Servant leaders look for friends who honor their words. They welcome even painful criticism from true friends.

David didn’t abandon his family or childhood friends. But he found in Jonathan a friend that would help him be a better leader. Servant leaders prayerfully seek one or two Jonathan’s in their lives. If you already have one, take a minute to express your thanks to them. If not, pause and ask God to show you who He has prepared to be this friend.

For further reflection and discussion:

• Take a moment to think about 3 or 4 of your closest friends. Evaluate your relationship with each of them in the following areas: sharing common goals, sacrifice of self, and honoring their words. In what ways has their friendship made you a better leader? How can you express your thanks to them?
• Reflect on your own friendship to others. In what ways are you a “Jonathan” to another leader? Are you willing to see him/her succeed even if you need to sacrifice? What are the common goals you share with him/her? Is that person able to count on your word without question? Have you verbalized your commitment to this relationship?