As he developed his leadership capacity one of the areas that Timothy needed to learn was the discipline of self-control. Consider these instructions from Paul to the young leader:  

I thank God, whom I serve, as my ancestors did, with a clear conscience, as night and day I constantly remember you in my prayers. Recalling your tears, I long to see you, so that I may be filled with joy (2 Timothy 1:3–4, NIV).

Opponents must be gently instructed, in the hope that God will grant them repentance leading them to a knowledge of the truth, and that they will come to their senses and escape from the trap of the devil, who has taken them captive to do his will (2 Timothy 2:25–26).

Avoid godless chatter, because those who indulge in it will become more and more ungodly (2 Timothy 2:16).

Have nothing to do with godless myths and old wives tales; rather, train yourself to be godly” (1 Timothy 4:7).

These passages reveal three areas in which Timothy learned self-control.

Timothy learned to control his temper.  

Paul remembers Timothy’s tears and urges him to instruct “gently” when he would be tempted to lash out in anger.  Sorrow and anger are two of the many emotions that every leader faces. Paul does not rebuke Timothy for these emotions, but tenderly encourages self-control, one of the fruits of the Spirit (see Galatians 5:22-23). Anger is perhaps one of the most potentially destructive emotions for leaders. No one wants to follow a leader who cannot control their temper and a lack of self-control in this area has hindered the effectiveness of many leaders.   A temper out of control is a leadership nightmare.

But serving leaders both acknowledge and control their emotions. They are not afraid to reveal their tears and they learn to keep their anger from being destructive.  They acknowledge that they can’t serve others when they lose their temper.  

Timothy learned to control his tongue.   

We have already observed Paul’s instruction for Timothy to instruct his opponents “gently”. Paul recognized that it requires great self-control to speak gently when there is direct opposition! The tongue often verbally expresses the anger in the heart and will not lead to the repentance encouraged by a gentle tongue. Paul also warns Timothy against “godless chatter….godless myths and old wives tales..” He is referring broadly to speech that is not helpful. While words spoken in anger are obviously harmful, other speech is simply not helpful and Paul cautions Timothy to control his tongue so as to avoid this kind of speech. Many leaders have tongues that are as unpredictable as the weather and are more harmful than helpful. But serving leaders seek to control what comes out of their mouths so that it is never harmful and always helpful.

Timothy learned to control his time.   

Part of Paul’s instruction to Timothy to “avoid godless chatter” and “old wives tales” is a direct challenge for him to use his time well. Here and in other places Paul urged Timothy to be diligent in focusing his time and attention to the things that matter and to avoid distractions. In some cases Paul urged Timothy to “Come quickly” while at other times not to be “hasty” (see 1 Timothy 5:22 and 2 Timothy 4:9). Timothy had to learn to manage his time well. If these instructions were given today we might hear Paul say, “Don’t waste your time on useless conversations and following the latest controversies on social media!” Many leaders allow the tyranny of the urgent to keep them from the most effective use of their time. Serving leaders learn to control their schedule so that they are doing the things that best bring value to those they serve.

For further reflection and discussion:

• Which of these three areas (temper, tongue and time) are most difficult for me to control right now? Reflect on the question below for that area:

*Temper. When have I lost my temper in leadership and how did it impact my influence with others?

*Tongue. In what way do I use my tongue in ways that are not helpful for those I lead? What do I need to do to more fully allow God to help me develop self-control in this area?

*Time. What are my greatest time wasters? What do I need to do to develop greater self-control in this area?

• Reflect on those you lead. How do I encourage them to develop control of themselves that goes far beyond obeying external instructions? Which of these three areas should I be talking about with my key leaders?        
• In addition to the verses we used in this issue, consider the following: 1 Timothy 5:22; 2 Timothy 2:4; 4:2, 9-12, 21. What additional insights do you find from these verses about how Timothy learned self-control?           

Until next time, yours on the journey,

Jon Byler

In the next issue, we’ll look at how Timothy became a role model to others.

Speaking the truth with no record of wrongs requires balance.

Some leaders will focus on the truth: that wrongs have been done and they have been repeated! When the focus is on the “record of wrongs,” leaders respond with their own emotion of pain for the wrongs done against them. This is often an angry outburst which includes a reference to the number of wrongs: “You hurt me four times now; enough is enough!” In this response, the focus is on how the wrong has impacted the leader, not on how to help the other overcome their mistakes.

Other leaders may focus on not keeping a record of wrongs, but in doing so, they do not speak the truth! Their response after several mistakes is, “Oh, that’s nothing major, don’t worry about it!” They do not acknowledge the wrong and therefore don’t help the person to improve.

Servant leaders recognize that a balance is needed. Truth must be expressed, but the focus should not be on the number of times a mistake has been made. Remembering wrongs and keeping a record of the wrongs are two different things. Leaders cannot choose to forget what has happened in the past. But they can consciously choose not to allow the ‘record’ of wrongs to dictate their current emotions or response.

A healthy response may be to say to the person, “This has happened several times now, can we talk about what is causing this?” Here, the truth is addressed, but without the accusation of the past failures. Servant leaders learn to focus on the needs of the other to grow rather than their own need to recall!

Speaking the truth with no record of wrongs reveals maturity.

It is natural to keep a list of offenses against us—we do it without training! When the offense of the other person is repeated, we naturally begin to react with strong emotions, often anger, towards the person. Then our response may contain ‘truth’ but it is shaped by the record of wrongs. Paul would remind us that this is not love. Our focus in on self and retaliation rather than on helping the other person.

It takes maturity of character not to use that list of wrongs against another person. Mature leaders speak what the other needs to hear, not what they feel like saying! Servant leaders grow as they realize that the ‘truth’ of their own condition is that they have also repeated mistakes often and have been forgiven often. As Jesus shapes their hearts, they can extend the same grace to others.

Speaking the truth with no record of wrongs reflects Jesus.

Jesus is the one who taught us to forgive others at least 77 times! (See Matthew 18:22.) But He was not encouraging us to remind people of the number of times they failed!

He demonstrated this when He greatly desired the prayers of His three closest disciples. They failed once, then twice and then a third time when Jesus comes back, and they are sleeping again. Returning the third time, he said to them, “Are you still sleeping and resting? Enough! The hour has come. Look, the Son of Man is delivered into the hands of sinners. Rise! Let us go! Here comes my betrayer!” (Mark 14:41-42).

I would have been tempted to respond with only the truth, “You’ve had three chances to pray for me and you have failed me three times!” Or I might have minimized the wrong and said only, “Let’s go!”

Jesus spoke truth when He said, “Are you still sleeping and resting? Enough!” But He didn’t remind them of how many times they had done wrong. He didn’t react from His own disappointment and didn’t need to remind them that this was their failure number three! He spoke truth with no record of wrongs.

Servant leaders learn from Jesus to speak truth with no record of wrongs.

Until next time, yours on the journey,

Jon Byler

For further reflection and discussion:

• What is my natural tendency: to speak “truth” by reminding others of their past record or to avoid the painful truth from the past? What is the result in my leadership?
• When have I spoken truth, but also reacted to others because of their previous mistakes? What was the result in my own life and in the life of the person to whom I spoke? Do I need to ask forgiveness from that person?
• What other times in Jesus’ life and ministry reveal that Jesus did not keep a record of wrongs? How did He speak truth in those situations without reminding people of their history? What can I learn from Him that I need to practice in a current relationship?
• We’ve been looking at many ways we are called to speak truth in love and we have a few more to examine. In what ways is my speech changing?

Copyright, Global Disciples 2019.

When we are angry, we usually open our mouths! And what comes out is not usually very loving, especially when we have been deeply hurt. Paul challenges us to speak “the truth in love” (Ephesians 4:15). This is a difficult challenge when we are angry. But Paul goes on to make it very clear that love “is not easily angered” (1 Corinthians 13:5). When I am angered easily, it indicates that I’m not practicing love, no matter what I say with my mouth!

Imagine that a close friend betrays your confidence. You shared a personal prayer request and later discovered that your friend had told others! What will you say? Servant leaders learn from Paul to speak truth but without being easily angered.

Speaking the truth without anger requires balance.

When you see your friend, you might explode and say loudly, “I can’t believe you told others what I shared with you; that was so wrong. I’ll never talk to you again!” Did you speak the truth? Yes, but with a lot of anger!

Or you might be so angry at your friend that you decide never to trust them again but choose not to speak about what happened. So, you keep quiet and fail to speak the truth!

Paul calls us to balance truth and love. We should speak the truth but not with anger. We cannot ignore what happened, but we should only speak when we are not consumed with anger. We may need to acknowledge our anger but find a way to speak with gentleness. Perhaps you can say, “What you did really hurt me, and I was very angry about it. God helped me to forgive you, but I would like to talk about what happened so that it does not destroy our friendship.” This is truth spoken with love!

Speaking the truth without anger reveals maturity.

How easily am I angered? That’s a test of my maturity. Immature leaders quickly become angry. If I am quick to become angry, I need the Spirit to keep working in me to produce patience and gentleness in my heart. Then I need to think about what I say when I’m angry. Being able to balance truth and gentleness is also a test of maturity. It is much easier to explode in anger than to speak the truth gently in love!

To speak with love and without anger when we have been hurt is a sign of maturity which often takes a long time. That’s why Paul says that as we learn to speak the truth in love we will, “grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ” (Ephesians 4:15).

Servant leaders learn that sometimes the best thing to do is to stop and let God help them control their anger before they say anything. But then, when their anger is controlled, they seek courage from God to address the issue truthfully in the right spirit. Mature servant leaders are able to speak truth without being easily angered.

Speaking the truth without anger reflects Jesus.

Jesus’ life shows us that it is not always wrong to be angry. He was angry when others were mistreated, when His Father’s house was misused and when peoples’ hearts were stubborn. But he was not ‘easily angered’ and did not react to personal insults or betrayal.

Even when Jesus knew that Peter would betray Him, He calmly spoke the truth with no hint of anger. Jesus answered, “I tell you, Peter, before the rooster crows today, you will deny three times that you know me” (Luke 22:34).Later, after Peter denied Him,Jesus simply looked at Peter. We don’t know what Jesus ‘said’ with His eyes but it must not have been a look of anger since His look caused the bold Peter to weep tears of grief and repentance. (See Luke 22:61).

Jesus spoke truth without being easily angered and He calls all servant leaders to follow His example.

Until next time, yours on the journey,

Jon Byler

For further reflection and discussion:

• What is my natural tendency, to speak “truth” with anger or to keep quiet when I’m angry and avoid the truth? What is the result in my leadership? 
• When have I spoken truth, but with anger? What was the result in my own life and in the life of the person to whom I spoke? Do I need to ask forgiveness of that person?
• What times in Jesus’ life and ministry reveal that Jesus was not “easily angered”? How would I have responded to these situations?
• Look at the following passages in which Jesus was angry or spoke very strong words: Mark 3:1-5; Matthew 23:1-4; John 2:13-22. Reflect on what happened in these situations. What can we learn about the things He was angry about? How did He speak truth in these situations? What can we learn from His example?
• Reflect on what James teaches about anger in James 1:19-20, “My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.” What does this teach us about speaking the truth without being easily angered?

Copyright, Global Disciples 2019.

First, consider David’s emotion when his own son, Absalom, turned against him and he was fleeing for his life. ⁷ Arise, Lord! Deliver me, my God! Strike all my enemies on the jaw; break the teeth of the wicked. ⁸ From the Lord comes deliverance. May your blessing be on your people (Psalm 3:7-8).

David didn’t walk calmly out of Jerusalem; he was angry! All leaders will experience the emotion of anger and David gives an example to servant leaders of how to lead with anger.

Anger should be recognized. It is not difficult to recognize that David is angry; he makes no attempt to hide his feelings. After a lifetime of seeking to serve God as a leader, he was running away from a son. His anger was real. If he was leading today he might say, “God, punch my enemies in the face, knock their teeth out!” Servant leaders learn to recognize their anger. They realize that anger is an emotion that we all experience. The emotion itself can be good or bad. Often we are angry because we feel hurt or wronged. Repentance is the appropriate response. At other times, leaders may be angry because of injustice or sin. In this case, anger reflects God’s heart and should lead us to obedient action.

Many leaders try to hide their anger, especially those who, like me, have believed that the emotion itself is a sin. They may call it something else that seems less sinful. They might admit that they are “annoyed” or “upset” but the truth is that they are angry! When anger is not recognized, it cannot be handled appropriately. Recognition of anger is not sin; denial is!

Anger should be revealed. David revealed his anger, and recorded it so that we can still examine it thousands of years later! Thankfully, David did not try to hide his emotion as many leaders do. There are many ways to reveal anger—some are healthy and many are unhealthy! Anger is often revealed openly in violent outbursts with harsh words that destroy relationships. Most leaders recognize that this is not helpful. So, many leaders seek to suppress the explosion and instead resort to clenched jaws and tightened muscles which no one can see. They believe that because the emotion is not visible, it is under control.

But servant leaders learn to reveal anger as David did. They are able to say it first to themselves, and when helpful to others, “I am angry!” As they reveal their emotion in healthy ways, followers learn to trust them as authentic leaders with feelings. Appropriate expression of emotion also improves the leader’s own emotional health.

Anger should be restrained. David recognized his anger and revealed it for all of us to see. But he did not allow anger to control his leadership; he restrained his emotion. David turns from his anger to a focus on God. He wanted personal revenge on his enemies but realized that deliverance would come “from the LORD.” And he finishes this psalm with a request for God to bless His people! In one verse he goes from anger to blessing!

Servant leaders learn to restrain their anger. When their anger is wrong, they cry out to God for a change of heart, with a goal to be “slow to become angry” (James 1:19). They ask forgiveness from those they have offended and model how to admit sin.

When anger is the appropriate response to a situation, servant leaders channel the anger into action to address the issue and invite others to join them in the cause. They lead as humans who have anger as an emotion, but do not allow their leadership to become emotional.

Until next time, yours on the journey,

Jon Byler

For further reflection and discussion:

• Am I aware of when I am angry, or do I deny it? Do others ever say to me, “You are angry,” but I deny it? What might they be able to see in me that I cannot see? What happens in my physical body when I am angry?
• How do I usually reveal my anger? (An angry explosion, tears, withdrawal, silence, etc.) In what ways is my response godly and in what ways is it sinful?
• Am I quick to repent and ask forgiveness from God and others when I am angry for the wrong things or express anger in hurtful ways? Is there anyone I need to go to and ask forgiveness?
• Are there things which God wants me to be angry about which I have not allowed myself to feel? What might He want me to do about them as a leader?
• Write a personal ‘psalm’ to God, expressing anger honestly. Make sure you end it with a note of praise.
• For further study on anger consider these verses and reflect on what you learn. Cautions against anger: Psalm 37:8; Proverbs 14:17; 16:32; 22:24; Ecclesiastics 7:9; Titus 1:7; James 1:19. Examples of God’s anger: Numbers 25:3, Joshua 7:1; Psalm 7:11. Examples of “good” anger: Exodus 32:19; Nehemiah 5:6; Leviticus 10:16; 1 Samuel 11:16; Matthew 21:12. Other “angry” Psalms: 35, 37, 69:22-29, 79:1-13, 109, 137.

Copyright, Global Disciples 2018.

“Now the overseer must be above reproach, the husband of but one wife, temperate, self-controlled, respectable, hospitable, able to teach, (1Timothy 3:2).

The fourth quality Paul lists as essential for those who desire to lead like Christ is “self-controlled.” He recognized that before seeking to exert influence over others, the leader must be able to exercise self-control. Self-control will be expressed in the life of a servant leader in three key areas.

Servant leaders control their time.

Leaders have the same amount of time as everyone else, but they learn to manage their time well. Servant leaders recognize that time is a gift from God, given to allow them to accomplish His purposes for their lives. Therefore they are passionate about using their time in His way. They are diligent to prioritize and work efficiently. But they acknowledge that God wants more than achievement. They balance time for doing and time for being. They invest time in building strong relationships as well as completing tasks. They honor God’s plan for Sabbath rest even when the demands of work and family are high. They take time for personal growth and development to better fulfill God’s purposes for their lives and leadership.

Servant leaders control their tongue.

Effective leaders understand the words of Solomon, “The tongue has the power of life and death” (Prov. 18:21). In public and private the words of a leader impact many either for good or bad. Servant leaders have a genuine desire to bless others and make a positive impact in their lives. Therefore, they work diligently to eliminate all lies, gossip, idle talk, slander and harsh instructions from their tongue. They value relationships but strive to follow Paul’s instruction to “speak the truth in love” (Eph. 4:15). They honor confidential information and resist the temptation to exaggerate. They honor their spoken commitments above the law.

Servant leaders control their temper.

Leaders have the same emotions as followers. Servant leaders acknowledge and appropriately express their emotions but recognize that if their emotions are not predictable, people will find it difficult to trust their leadership. Anger is one of the first emotions to be expressed and leaders are often in situations where they are blamed or attacked. Servant leaders learn that words spoken in anger and decisions made in an angry moment quickly undermine their ability to lead like Jesus.

The term self-control may imply that these things can be done with enough willpower. While servant leaders strive to evidence self-control, this character trait is not something we manufacture with our own effort. Servant leaders do not need another ‘self-help’ book urging them to try harder to be good. Paul notes that self-control is one of the evidences of the Spirit’s work in our lives (See Gal. 5:23). Servant leaders yield control to the work of the Spirit in their lives and enjoy the fruit of self-control.

Too often self-control is noted when it is absent and flaws are exposed. Samson was a leader who failed in this area. He was called, gifted and filled with God’s Spirit. But he repeatedly acted impulsively and allowed his passions to control his actions rather than exercising self-control. This sabotaged his leadership potential and his leadership is a tragic example of why Paul calls us to be self-controlled.

For further reflection and discussion:

Take a few moments to reflect on your own life. In which of the three areas mentioned in this issue (time, tongue, temper) do you most need God’s help? Work through the questions below for the one you identify.

• Time. Reflect on these scriptures as you respond to the following questions: Ps. 90:12; Eph. 5:15-16 (KJV); Acts 21:5; Exodus 20:8-11; Mark 6:31. How well do I use time to accomplish God’s plan for my life? Do I get adequate rest for my body? Do I spend too much or too little time on building relationships? What is my plan for honoring the principle of Sabbath rest?
• Tongue. Read Eph. 4:29. What areas of ‘unwholesome talk’ come out of my mouth? Which ones are most damaging to my relationships? What is the root attitude in my heart that leads to sin with my tongue? What percentage of my talk builds others up and what can I do to improve? As a leader how can I encourage a culture of speaking ‘truth in love’ among my followers? Is there a commitment I have made recently which I have not honored?
• Temper. Read James 1:19-20 and Prov. 29:22. Reflect on the most recent time you became angry. How did you express it and what was the impact of your actions on others? Do you need to ask forgiveness from those toward whom you have been angry?

Moses is a great example of a servant leader, but he wasn’t perfect! Numbers 20 records the story of the sin that would keep Moses out of the Promised Land. The people are thirsty and blame Moses again. Moses cries out to God for direction and God instructs him to speak to the rock and promises that water would come out. Instead Moses spoke to the people in anger, “Listen, you rebels, must we bring water out of this rock?” Then he struck the rock twice and water came out. God immediately told him and Aaron that because of their sin they would not enter the land of promise. In a moment of anger, forty years of faithful leadership seems to disappear! Still, we can learn lessons from his failure. What he did not do goes against every natural response and serves as an example to all of us of how servant leaders deal with sin.

Moses did not blame the people.

The most natural response when I sin is to find someone else to blame! Certainly Moses had some legitimate reasons to blame the people, and all of us can sympathize with the way he called them rebels! They had again opposed his leadership and quarreled with him and Aaron. Most of us would have lost our temper and promptly blamed the people. But Moses recognized that the pressure of the moment simply revealed the sin in his heart. Servant leaders continually cry out to God for Him to deal with their hearts and refuse to blame family members, co-workers, associates, or followers for what they do in times of pressure.

Moses did not blame God.

Moses had just mourned the death of his sister Miriam and after this experience at the rock very quickly said farewell to his closest associate, Aaron. It was a rough month to lead, and I would find it easy to accuse God of overreacting! Moses could have argued that he had been blameless for years and surely one mistake wasn’t as serious as God judged it. But again, Moses demonstrates his brokenness and humility as he does not blame God for his judgment. I don’t find any record of Moses pleading with God to reverse His judgment; instead he humbly accepts what has happened. Moses, like all servant leaders, recognized that God was more interested in the condition of his heart than about saving his leadership credentials.

Moses did not cover up his sin.

When I sin, I quickly move to minimize the damage and ensure that as few as possible know about it. But Moses wrote the story just as it happened and we are still reading about it thousands of years later! His sin in this case was public as leaders sins’ often are. But there are other times when leaders’ sin is private and unknown to those they lead. One temptation all leaders face is to pretend in public to be better than we actually are in private. Servant leaders appropriately acknowledge both their sin and God’s gracious forgiveness.

Moses did not stop leading.

The final months of Moses leadership must have been incredibly difficult. Why not just step down? Yes, there are times when leaders sin and need to step down from their position. But most of the time God simply asks us to continue leading. Our enemy whispers that we are not worthy to continue, but God’s grace gives us strength to continue. Servant leaders who deal with their sin like Moses drink more deeply from God’s grace and more freely extend it to those they lead.

What a difference it would make in our world if we were leaders with a servant heart who respond to sin as Moses did. Can we respond without defensiveness and blame, allowing God to expose and purify our hearts, then continuing to serve those we lead with an even greater sense of God’s grace as long as He allows us to guide them?

The background reading for this issue is: Numbers 20; 27:12-17; Dt. 31:1-2; 32:48-52

For further reflection and discussion:

• What typically happens to me when I am under intense pressure in my leadership? Do I get angry, abusive, withdrawn, or bitter? What does this reveal about my heart?
• The last time I sinned, who was I tempted to blame?
• Are there times I have blamed God for my sin? What has been the result and what needs to change?
• How do I try to cover my sin? What has been the result of this? What is the right balance between being open about my sin and wisely not disclosing too many details to others? How does David’s observation in Ps. 32:5 provide instruction to all leaders about dealing with sin?
• Are there secret sins in my life that have the potential to sabotage my leadership? What is God calling me to do about them? (Reflect on 1 Timothy 5:24 and 1 Corinthians 10:12)